[amayze]

Seeing that today looks like a snow-show day today, and I'm totally fed up of reading moaning threads about not being able to work, weather forecasts and reports on how much snow people have got. I thought I'd start a thread we we could share a few jokes, and hopefully put a smile on a face or two!

So, anyone got any jokes.........

[Steve CM]

A police officer pulls over a car and says

"Been Drinking Have we sir?"

"No" said the motorist. "Why was i driving erratically?"

"No" said the officer, "Its the fat, ugly bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious!"

[R W C™]

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia.

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"

For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!"

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car".

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV the old man shouted ...

"COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN

[amayze]

Steve, very funny.

RWC - had to read that one twice !!

Not that's the spirit...........let's at least have a laugh today !

[Steve CM]

Man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. His wife is laying on the bed.

He says "darling this is the pig i sleep with when i'm not making love to you,"

His wife says "I think you'll find thats a sheep"

the husband says "I think you'll find i was talking to the sheep"

[Steve CM]

how long before this post is moved?

[Steve CM]

Man comes home to find his wife in bed with his mate.

so he stabs him to death.

his wife says "that was silly carry on like that and you won't have any mates left".

[martinsadie]

A police officer pulls over a car and says

"Been Drinking Have we sir?"

"No" said the motorist. "Why was i driving erratically?"

"No" said the officer, "Its the fat, ugly bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious!"

[leapstallbuildings]

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

 

 

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

 

 

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

 

 

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'

 

 

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received.

But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.

 

 

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back.

'Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'

 

 

The old Chief calmly replied, ' Vietnam'.

[martinsadie]

 

[Klean07]

How do you pull a fat bird? Answer= A piece of cake. ................... boom boom!!!

[wezzy32]

2 oap's enjoying  oral s*x together....the old man says i cant stop down here for long it stinks.....
the old lady says ..sorry its my athritis..
man says what in your fanny ?
old lady says..











 no in my arm i cant wipe me arse

[rednick]

whats red and sits in a tree ?










a sanitary owl.........

[stephen s]

2 blokes chatting in a pub when one says I hate my wife I wish she was dead.    the other says my mate Arty will do her in for you and he's very cheap because he's addicted to killing.      

o.k. replies the bloke can I meet him,      so they arranged a meet and Arty tells the man it will cost £1 and I want paying up front and a desciption and movements of your wife.

si the guy pays him the £1  and says shes 5"2  slim with long red hair and she walks with a limp,    she always wears white fluffy boots and a long brown duffle coat and she's goes to Tescos every morning about 9.30am

how will you kill her the bloke askes and arty replies I always strangle them.


anyway a few days later Arty is waiting outside tesco's when a lady walks in 5"2 slime  long red hair and wearing white fluffy boots and long brown dufflecoat and walking with a limp,        he follows her to the freezers and sure enough he strangles her and dumps her in the freezer.       but on his way out another woman walks in with the very same description and walking with a limp.

so to make sure he follows her again to the freezer section and strangles her too and dumps her in the freezer.

anyway the headlines in the papers the next day was
































Arty chokes 2 for £1 at Tescos's

[wezzy32]

very brave man jokes
how do u turn a fox into an elephant






marry it










what do u say to a women with 2 black eyes
nothing she's been told twice

[rg1]

A 2 seater airplane crashed into a graveyard in Ireland this morning and so far, the authorities have recovered 87 bodies.

[elite mike]

A 2 seater airplane crashed into a graveyard in Ireland this morning and so far, the authorities have recovered 87 bodies.

lmao

[Dean Taberner]

how long before this post is moved?

[stephen s]

what do you call 2 jews on a cloths line

a pair of tights






why dont jews like quality street

cos there made for sharing

[rg1]

A guy goes to ther aid of a young lass who has skidded off the road and into a ditch.

He says to her: The last person who crashed here was pregnant.

She replied: Well I'm not.

The guy says: You're not out of the ditch yet!