[Tosh]

A 2 seater airplane crashed into a graveyard in Ireland this morning and so far, the authorities have recovered 87 bodies.

[deep-cleaningukltd]

A couple are driving home and run over a badger. They get out and find it's still breathing but freezing cold.

He says "Put it between your legs 2 warm it up"

She says "But it's all wet and stinks"

He says"Well hold the badgers nose then"

[ccmids]

How do you fit three gays on one barstool?
Turn it upside-down!

[stephen s]

3 kids playing football in a manchester street when a pit bull comes running over and starts attacking one of the boys.
without a thought one of the kids runs over with a knife and jumps on top of the pit bull and starts stabbing it until he finally thrusts the knife into the pit bulls heart and kiiling and freeing his mate.

a reporter from the manchester evening news is interviewing the kid and says thats the most heroic thing Ive ever heard in my life,   I can just see the headlines young United fan save best friends from crazed pit bull.

I'm not a united fan replies the kid

ok ok  heroic city fan save friends from rabid pit bull

I'm not a city fan either replied the kid


well if you don't support utd or city who do you support ?

I'm a Liverpool fan replied the kid


headlines in manchester evening news next day

Murdering scouser butchers family pet

[ccmids]

Why do birds fly upside down over Milton Keynes?

    It's not worth sh**ting on!

 

[Pole 2 Pole]

Three male rabbits escape from an animal research lab. For 6 days they run run run some more. When they eventually make it to the countryside,they fall asleep from sheer exhaustion. When they awake, they see 2 fields. One with carrots for as far as the eye can see. In the other....hundreds of sexy white fluffy bunny rabbits,looking "up for it"
The first rabbit says "I'm gonna go in the carrot field...pig out something silly, then pop into the next field and f*** a dozen of them sexy rabbits into next week",he says with glee.
The second says "ditto, but i'm gonna get laid first by the sexy white fluffy bunny rabbits THEN pig out on the carrots."
They ask the third rabbit how he's gonna play things. To their horror he says"Oh bollox to this..........I think I'm gonna go back to the lab" They can't believe what they're hearing, so they ask the third rabbit what on earth he's thinking of, to which he replies.........."nothing lads......honestly.....I'm just gagging for a smoke"  

[Steve CM]

Why do birds fly upside down over Milton Keynes?

    It's not worth sh**ting on!

 

lets get him lads!

[Pole 2 Pole]

You'll have to negotiate them roundabouts first 

[Steve CM]

apparently we have not been sent any grit for f- knows how long so negotiating them roundabouts after this weather could be near on impossible

[ccmids]

Why do birds fly upside down over Milton Keynes?

    It's not worth sh**ting on!

 

lets get him lads!

only a joke lads 

[Klean07]

A man goes to bed and reaches over towards his wife. Starts sliding his hands across her shoulders then down her side just glancing her breasts. Then carries on down her side and legs. He slides her legs apart and slowly runs his hand up and down the inner sides of her thighs. He then slows and moves back to the top and stops as his wife gasps why have you stopped?

He replies I've found the remote, go back to sleep!!!

[pingu]

All this time at home and the mind does wander....it could be worse

http://uk.news.yahoo.com/21/20100107/tuk-man-with-genitals-in-pipe-cut-free-6323e80.html

Dave

[waynebarry]

Brilliant jokes guys youve brighten my day!!

[stephen s]

All this time at home and the mind does wander....it could be worse

http://uk.news.yahoo.com/21/20100107/tuk-man-with-genitals-in-pipe-cut-free-6323e80.html

Dave

my mate was working in a factory and had a bad accident where he lost his c.o.c.k. in a machine

he went home and gace his Mrs a good Bol*****g   

[gewindows]

'Oh!' she moans in ecstasy, 'is that your ring dear?'

'No' he replies' its my wrist-watch'.

[steven ainger]

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, "You as horny as I am? And she always acts like she's sound asleep!

[steclean]

I wonder which is worse,giving bith or being kicked in the nuts,its just interesting as no one can experience both.One of life's great mysteries 

[martinsadie]

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, "You as horny as I am? And she always acts like she's sound asleep!

[john tomkins]

Going past a cashpoint machine today and an old woman seems to be struggling, "can you help me check my balance please" she asks.
So I push her and she falls over.

[Franky2020]

I bet Adebayor didnt run to the front of the bus to confront the gunners the other day lol