My day under the zealous application of H&S regs of 2009 Jan 1st.
7.00 am Get out of bed ensuring that stretching to the alarm clock will not pull a muscle in my middle-aged body. Ensure glasses are clean to ensure that risks of poor sight do not end in a trip or a fall.
7.10 am Get dressed ensuring that the right amount of clothing is worn to prevent hypothermia.
7.15 am Eat breakfast of Porridge and Bananas to ensure the optimum release of energy over the morning period. Choose Tea over Coffee to avoid dependence upon caffeine.
7.30 am Kiss Mrs Gold good-bye (as a happily married man will live longer statistically than an unhappily married one - and a frying pan to the head may result in further brain damage!)
7.31 am check ground for evidence of frost and boots for evidence of tread. Consider crampons if snow is turning to ice.
7.45 am Check van. Have I changed to diesel as it is less hazardous than petrol? Check.
Are the tyres to the optimum pressure to minimise the risk of blow-outs or skidding? Check.
Is there water in the washers, oil in the engine and a nut on the driver's seat?Check.
8.00 am Check equipment. Water Tank secure. Battery still firmly strapped down. Heater and lead removed and switched off.
8.15 am Fill tank. Is hose too heavy to lift; am I using the right lifting techniques? Walk round van for one final check, start engine, put on seat belt and drive to first customer in accord with the requirements of the highway code.
8.30 am. Put on hi-viz vest, put out trip hazard sign, run out hose to furthest point of property alerting householder as to my presence as neither of us wish to suffer a heart attack when she looks out of the bedroom window in a "topless" state.
8.45 am complete risk-assessment, remembering that hose may get caught on loose patio wall, rosebush, garden wall, garden furniture or Mercedes-Benz.
Could the water freeze? If so then consider putting rock salt down; if using rock salt remember lifting techniques.
Decking at the rear may be a hazard to slipping accidents and dogs poo may cause gangrene to the genitals if present - dogs mess being present, I mean not genitals, or both really, anyway I digress.
10.00 am Now where was I? Did she lean out the bedroom window or was that my imagination? Now what did the WAHD say about assessing risk of power cables, there's one overhead, no, I think that's a phoneline. I'll check. Ding dong, scuse me is that a phone line or a power line? You don't know well can you phone BT for me..... ok I'll do it.... press 1 for sales/2 for service/3 for a fault/ # for anything else. Press # (Mull of Kintyre sounds great after 14 minutes, but after 24 it is a bit irritating)
"Hello, I'm at 23 Treetops Lane at the residence of Mr. Bowells.... yes, M.T. Bowells .... can you tell me if the line to their property is a phone line? Why? I'm writing a risk assessment for a window cleaning job and .... no I'm not wasting your time ..... I assure you I am serious.... no, no, I'm not 'avin' a larf .... click brrrrrr.
11 am Extend pole, taking care to follow lifting techniques and to avoid unidentified power or phone line and clean first window. Walk to next window. Repeat. Finish job.
11.15 am wind in hose.... phone H&S to enquire as to correct winding method to avoid RSI. Use steady and thorough method without banging head on roof of van. Phone H&S and ask whether I should be wearing a safety helmet. Drive to nearest industrial workwear emporium and buy helmet ensuring highway code is followed at all times.
1 pm back at house and collect payment. As I am now carrying a ten pound note should I have a helmet like the security guards for securicor wear. Phone H&S to check. "No. no, deadly serious, no I assure you I am not 'avin a larf'" ... Ok. if you're sure I'll risk it."
1.15 have lunch including portions of fruit and veg and a multivitamin supplement along with joint ease and anti-inflammatory tablets.
2pm on to next house..... "Hello is that Anglian Windows? Does your stick-on lead contain a) lead and b) any solvent that will react with water producing deadly fumes?" "No.., not Zylon B, and I don't find it funny for you to ask me that as my great-grandfather was Jewish and my great aunt was a gypsy and suffered at the hands of the Nazi's.... no I'm not 'avin a larf' click brrrrrrr.
4pm Getting dark and the dim light may represent a safety hazard so i head for home, following the highway code.
So £20 earned and I'm wondering whether my attention to H&S is beginning to hamper my work capacity. What do you think?
