Legal action basically. If we find anyone selling counterfeits we've got an expensive legal team to close it down with the offender paying our costs.
Not the dreaded Ivor Biggun at Wright Hassell and Co.? (£450 an hour)
I feel a musical coming on ... Curtain drops away to reveal a courtroom.Regina v Windy Miller (aka Lord of the Rungs)
Ivor Biggun - (thumbs behind lapels, motheaten wig slightly askew) "And I put it to you Mr. Miller that you did with malice aforethought order from the shores of far Cathay to wit:-
1. (one) carbon fibre telescopic pole with the logo "Reach For The Sky" stamped over Mr. Fox's patented logo.
2. (two) Three (3) aforesaid clamps of fox-brown (ginger) colour.
And you so did this crime knowing that these items made up the "Basil Brush" as patented by my client?"
Defendant. - "I did (looks at Judge in morbid fear) yer honour! (wrings out cap like a piece of scrim) I'm bang to rights! I was put up to it by Mr. I. Konix and his compatriot Mr. A. Gardiner. I'm sorry; I'll pay what ever I owe, don't put me in jail, (rising panic) don't take my kids and send them up the chimney your worship!!!
Judge Mr. Justice Justin Time (donning black cap):-
"Mr. Miller; you have been found guilty of the heinous crime of pole plagiarism and you will be taken from this court to a place of execution where you will be prodded with fluffy cushions until you are tickled and may the Lord have mercy upon your soul!"
Everyone (except furtive Foxy): "Oh no! Not that! Please yer honour let him off! Go on!" (Turning into song ...)
Judge: "It's Miller! We will not let him go!"
Court: "No No No No No! Mamia Mia let him go!"
Miller: "Beelzebub's got a devil on the sideboooooaaaaard!"
Court: "Huh?"
Miller: "Sorry m'lud I'm a bit deaf and I can never understand the lyrics - listen - I believe in Milko! See?"
Clerk of Court: (Explaining) "I believe in Miracles M'lud."
Judge: "Ah I see! Oh all right I'll let you off!"
Miller and the Court: "I'm Free (to the tune of the classic popular rock song combo by The Who) da dadadada ... I'm Free! And I'm telling you to follow me! ...."
(Guitar Riff)
Furtive Fox: "But what about my damages? ?? ?"
Court falls silent and everyone looks aghast.
Judge: "Oh very well; I award you an SLX-18 but you have to pay your own costs!"
Furtive Fox: (Bursts into song) "Finally, it's happened to me ..." he dances and everyone starts dancing with him.
Curtain closes with everyone happy and cheerful, shaking hands and the strains of "I'd like to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony ... " as a picture of Nelson Mandela (or is it Trevor McDonald) is projected onto the curtain.