This is the employment agreement between XXXXX (hereinafter referred to as "me" or my") window cleaners and Mr.________________.
Date.
GENERAL RULES
1. Getcher lazy aspidestra outta bed and onto the street corner at 8 am, Monday to Friday.
2. Bring yer packed lunch and drink. No f
ags, roll-ups, ganja or weed.
3. We will provide two sets of workgear to cover your raggedyass which you will be responsible for and wash every other night.
4. Don't swear, dribble, make rude gestures, pick your nose or pleasure yourself around the custies or my van.
5. Do not take a dump in their drains although light peeing is OK in moderation.
PAY and HOURS
You will be available for work from 8am until 5pm daily and you will get two ten minute teabreaks and an hour for lunch. (By mutual agreement we may shorten the lunchbreak and finish early.)
The first 35 hours will be paid at £8.00 per hour and bonuses will be paid for "good" performance as agreed on a whim by me. Typically these will range from a few jars down the pub on a Friday afternoon on full pay to a ton if we have a really good week. Overtime will be paid at £10.00 per hour.
USE OF MY VAN
You can't.
HOLIDAYS & SICKNESS
Bank Holidays in England plus fifteen days on full pay. (no bonuses)
You get one day of sickness for every month you work sick free up to a maximum of six days in any year. Drunkenness or hangovers don't count as sick.
If you are sick for more than six days I can fire your sorry ass. My discretion is king. And I ain't very discreet.
MISCELLANEOUS
Call the custies Mr. or Mrs. or Sir or Madam. Do not call them "Luv" "Darlin'" "Mate" "Fella" "Pal" "Lady" "Gorgeous" or "Sexy".
We do not discriminate on Religious, Racial or grounds of sexual orientation. Do not refer to custies as "Raghead, Jobo, Nip, Jap, Bender or Lezbo". Do not enter into a political or religious discussion.
Football (while extremely boring) may be discussed to keep the custy happy:- always agree with what they say. E.g. "Yes Mr. Archer, Man U are wonderful etc" is better than "Yeravin' a laff, Archer - Manure are a bunch of nancy-boys!"
GRATUITIES
You may accept any non-alcoholic drink from a custy. And a biscuit.
You may wonder what to do if a gorgeous custy offers "favours". Dream on pal - it won't happen despite what one or two say on CIU.
At Xmas you may get offered a bottle. Take it.
.......
I think that about covers it.