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Oliver James

  • Posts: 210
Have YOU won an Industry Award??
« on: April 01, 2018, 08:25:16 am »
***** Have YOU won an Industry Award?? ****

Sponsored by Primo Aprillia Featherweight Poles (“Light is Right”); and Bob Bucket The Outlaw Window Cleaner, author of the best selling book called: “How to be an Opinionated Window Cleaner”  – here are the results OF THE 2018 WINDOW CLEANING INDUSTRY AWARDS

‘ELF AND SAFETY GOLD MEDAL
This year’s award goes to the outstanding performance offered by none other than our very own Sharon Sheene. Sharon spends her weekends racing her motorcycle along The Queens Highway at a speed that would make your eyes water. However; during the week she is at the helm of the upscale window cleaning company called: “Splash and Dash; We Only Take Cash – Don’t Tell the Tax Man”.
One day last year; one of her vans was in the garage. Now that wasn’t gonna stop a woman of her calibre from keeping her company fully operational. So; she shoe-horned a 1000 Litre tank into a rusty 52 plate Citroen Dispatch; tied the tank down with some dental floss that she found in the bathroom of the yard; loaded three burly ‘Meathead’ window cleaners into the cab and said: “Righto Lads, Off to Work”.

THE DEL BOY AWARD
There was only one contender for this award.
Never afraid to think big; this man is fast becoming a legend of the industry.
He sold his house; invested heavily in Massive plasma TV screens to monitor his vast fleet of vans; and camped in a tent right through the entire sub-zero part of the winter, including the howling blizzard and temperatures of Minus 11. To keep his spirits up; (and to keep the frostbite at bay); he booked several 1st class flights over to Dubai.
Meanwhile, his office manager and her curvaceous underlings lorded it in the new company HQ; which has office furnishings that are the envy of Googleplex.
All together now: “Next Year Rodney; We’ll be Millionairres….”

THE “Duchy of Kernow” Award for Innovation
There were very few contenders for this award; as most of the product to appear on the market in 2017 or 2018 was of rather dubious provenance. Examples included some ‘feminine hygiene’ items masquerading as the latest in window cleaning technology cleaning pads; and a ‘magic chemical’ that was all set to become THE  “Must Have” item for every self-respecting WFP’er’s water tank.....
However; one company, hailing from an ancient and isolated county that is ‘Way Out West’ stood head and shoulders above the rest.
Many pushers of window cleaning technology are marketing-focused ‘snake oil sellers’ and ‘romancers of stones’. This particular company does NOT have a marketing department.
Every five minutes it produces a radical new window cleaning brush or that adds to an already impressive range.
The brushes and poles that are sold by this company make the window cleaning and gutter cleaning products of SOME other companies look like they were put together by an exhausted 3 year old.
The company has a customer service team that makes the much larger team at John Lewis look like a bunch of rank amateurs.
Tom Selleck mustache is optional. 

THE PROFESSOR SPRUCE AWARD FOR ACADEMIC POSTING
Wearing his tortoiseshell glasses, and a tweed jacket with leather pads in the elbows. Professor Spruce sits bolt upright at his oak desk of an evening with a bone china cup of Earl Grey tea sitting in a china saucer.
Professor Spruce was formerly of The University of Harvard; but has now moved to England where he has a tenured post at The University of Cambridge.
Just like how Sir Winston Churchill liked to play at being a brick layer in his spare time; Professor Spruce is a part-time; but rather talented window cleaner.
His learned postings about the arcane details of window cleaning; and also his expert insights into a wide variety of other topics; from leasing vans to many other subjects; would not be out of place in a learned academic journal.
Well done, Professor Spruce; you are The Einstein of Window Cleaning.

Marc Stock

Re: Have YOU won an Industry Award??
« Reply #1 on: April 01, 2018, 10:19:08 am »
Hehe. Made me chuckle.

Shrek

  • Posts: 3931
Re: Have YOU won an Industry Award??
« Reply #2 on: April 01, 2018, 11:44:57 am »
I don’t think ‘Sharon ‘ will be too happy! Be expecting a knock on your door 🚪

Re: Have YOU won an Industry Award??
« Reply #3 on: April 01, 2018, 12:05:31 pm »
Whose Sharon then  :-\

Bungle

  • Posts: 2379
Re: Have YOU won an Industry Award??
« Reply #4 on: April 01, 2018, 05:38:26 pm »
Strange
We look at them, they look through them.

AuRavelling79

  • Posts: 25349
Re: Have YOU won an Industry Award??
« Reply #5 on: April 02, 2018, 12:35:38 pm »
Absolutely brilliant. Do they recognise themselves?

It's a game of three halves!

Slacky

  • Posts: 8260
Re: Have YOU won an Industry Award??
« Reply #6 on: April 02, 2018, 05:51:26 pm »
Whose Sharon then  :-\

You, I'd imagine.

Re: Have YOU won an Industry Award??
« Reply #7 on: April 02, 2018, 07:42:58 pm »

Slacky

  • Posts: 8260
Re: Have YOU won an Industry Award??
« Reply #8 on: April 02, 2018, 11:40:34 pm »
You wish.

Lee Pryor

  • Posts: 2287
Re: Have YOU won an Industry Award??
« Reply #9 on: April 02, 2018, 11:47:32 pm »
Brilliant 😂
The best way to predict the future is to create it.

P @ F

  • Posts: 6319
Re: Have YOU won an Industry Award??
« Reply #10 on: April 03, 2018, 01:01:28 am »
I know who Sharon is  ;D
I'm so lazy I'm getting tired of it !

Re: Have YOU won an Industry Award??
« Reply #11 on: April 03, 2018, 05:24:11 am »
I know who Sharon is  ;D

Yet another woman who has a restraining order against slacky?

AuRavelling79

  • Posts: 25349
Re: Have YOU won an Industry Award??
« Reply #12 on: April 03, 2018, 06:29:51 am »
I know who Sharon is  ;D

I think she has been misrepresented. She'd never use dental floss to hold a tank in.

Gaffer tape and blu tac maybe; but not dental floss.

I think the "Duchy of Kernow" is a delight to read.
It's a game of three halves!

P @ F

  • Posts: 6319
Re: Have YOU won an Industry Award??
« Reply #13 on: April 03, 2018, 09:40:53 am »
I know who Sharon is  ;D

I think she has been misrepresented. She'd never use dental floss to hold a tank in.

Gaffer tape and blu tac maybe; but not dental floss.

I think the "Duchy of Kernow" is a delight to read.
If i am right , the dental floss is used to tie the tray of asda smart price eggs into a handy to reach position  ;)
I'm so lazy I'm getting tired of it !